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Dear Molly,I can’t believe I’m writing to you, after all these years of reading your column. I would never have thought that my wife and I would have problems at the table. We have always had a great dining life, despite sticking to relatively vanilla foods. I’m usually the one pushing for us to try delving into some more exotic meals together or going for that fourth course, but Jane usually declines. I never was bothered, because I always figured she was completely satisfied with my straightforward cooking. Sure, we stick to simple meals, but we do them better than anyone. If she was happy with that, then so was I.That was, until a couple of weeks ago. I was clearing out some attic space and preparing for us to pack up and move when I found a blank DVD among some of Jane’s forgotten boxes of stuff. It was labeled ‘2006,’ which was a few years before we met. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but Jane’s past was such a gray area to me that curiosity got the best of me. I wish I had not seen what was on that DVD: a younger, more vibrant, and appetized Jane allowing herself to be filmed eating with another man. I saw her sucking ferociously on his noodles, a food she would never eat for me. He was feeding her some of the most outlandish foods I had seen a woman put in her mouth, with such delight that for a moment I thought this was a professional porn reel. And with every bite, she hummed out a deep satisfaction from the depths of her gut. To finish almost every meal, he laid her on the table, popped a bottle of champagne, and poured his fizz all across her face, even on her clothes! This was not the Jane I knew. This was one of the most rapacious women I had ever seen. The timestamps in the recordings showed that they were having meals two or even three times together in one day. I feel lucky if I’m able to get Jane to sit down for a meal every other day. I felt utterly humiliated.I know what you’re thinking. I know that a healthy relationship functions on multiple levels and that a man should never consider his worth to be entirely tied to his skills as a chef. But since seeing that video, I cannot think of anything else when I am around Jane. We have eaten together twice since then, and all I could think about was how much she probably wished she was eating with one of her past chef gods, a man who knows how to penetrate every facet of her culinary desires, who has a complete arsenal of sharp knives and spices, a much bigger wok than mine, a man who brings such succulent mussels to the table any moment she’s slightly appetized. I had considered myself to be quite a chef before - not the best in the world, but someone who could at least dish out whatever a woman asked for. But now I’ve realized that the reason Jane never wants to eat extravagantly with me is because I can’t even cook a basic vanilla meal that’s up to her standards. Sure, we have amazing sex almost every day and enjoy a lavish lifestyle. We still have chats that run late into the night sometimes. I cannot fathom my life without Jane. But I don’t know how to get past this. What should I do?Sincerely,Gabe*Dearest Gabe,Ah, men and their culinary insecurity - a problem with an understandable root in our nature. The man as the provider evolved to find a sense of self-worth in how well he can satiate his woman’s appetite. And in today’s over-culinarized culture, men tend to think that if they aren’t the best chef their woman has ever had, then she’s deeply dissatisfied with their relationship and longs to leave. She must be going to bed every night missing those days with that man who could cook dirty for her, the man who could make her put almost anything in her mouth.Let’s go ahead and finish painting this picture you’ve caught a glimpse of…in the darkest manner we can. That man you saw in the videos probably started dining women when he was 14 and hasn’t stopped to read a book since. In h
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is fling with Jane, he probably stuffed her with more Italian sausage than you’ll cook in a lifetime. They roleplayed all the kinkiest scenarios of caveman famine and desert island delight. They did it in the living room, on the back patio while the neighbors were catching a peak, in a few public spaces. He brought in his Latino friend to spice up the meals a few times. He fed her alongside another gorgeous woman who spit chewed food into her mouth, and she swallowed. And yes, he has a much bigger wok than you.Now that you’re thinking Jane’s past experience could be even more extensive than you had imagined, how do you feel? Worse? Shouldn’t you be a bit relieved to know she’s gone the depths of exploring an adventurous culinary life and has evidently grown out of it? Did you ever think that some women get their best satiations off a vanilla meal with an intellectually charming man? Knowing that she has fallen - not settled - for you, despite having the best of Chef Johnny’s chops should give you an awesome boost in confidence. She chose you, not him, because your way of dining works for her and your relationship.What is equally perplexing as a man’s desire to satiate his woman is the way her tastes will change with each man she dines with. When I was your age, or younger even, I had my own Chef Johnny who was a wizard at the kitchen counter. He could get me to eat anything, anywhere, without complaint. But what happened after we were finished and slouching in our dining room chairs, both in ecstatic food comas? Silence. When the food coma wore off? Boredom. And the sex? What a snooze! Chef Johnny could dine my brains out, but that was about all he could do for me. Instead of breaking off the relationship when the time had come, we began to rely on dining as the core aspect of our relationship. I went down all those avenues described above, the roleplay, the exotic locales. Eventually I realized that dirty dining satiates a woman through a fantasy of being desperate and vulnerable, by linking her survivability to her man, by pretending these exotic foods must be consumed because that’s all he’s able to scrape together out there in the wild - and oh, how brave and manly he is for finding these foods for me!Yuck! Thinking about that food now makes my stomach clench. I’m older now, and my desires have changed. I’ve come to find the beauty in a simplistic meal, the signifier that my life is safe, stable, and mature. I’m not placing judgment on any other woman’s tastes; I am food positive in the most liberal ways. But for me, the best dining experience I can have is in a plain meal with my husband, always three times a week, always the same meals. Our dining life is a pulse that keeps our healthy relationship flowing as it does. When we try to stretch it to be something else, something that other people are doing, we both get thrown out of whack.Maybe you and Jane have figured that out. Maybe not. Maybe she does go to bed every night longing for Johnny’s sausage. You won’t really know until you talk. I suggest you handle this by sticking to what you know best, a simple recipe for fixing your dining life. You’ll need to start with a handful of fun date nights. Return home each night, get naked and fuck each other senseless. When your mood is the right consistency, move to the dining room. Cook what has worked for the two of you the best and most often. Go low and slow, and serve it up with all the details you cared to include in your honeymoon phase, the candles and smooth jazz. After satiation is achieved, calmly and non-judgmentally begin a conversation about the video you saw. Be ready to do as much listening as necessary. Occasionally stir conversation with questions and input about your own desires. Repeat process until your dining life reaches the appropriate temperature. Enjoy with movies, books, creative activities, and sensual sex.Wishing you the best,Molly  

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